The Struggle is Real!!

So, first of all, let me apologize for not blogging yesterday.  I know I said that I was going to blog every day for at least 30 days, so I definitely broke my promise – I’m going to talk about what happened in a second here, but before I do that, let me say two things: 1) yes, its been a bit of a tough road the past couple of days, but I am STAYING THE COURSE!! and 2) my weight this morning was 161.4 pounds, so I have lost a total of 6.4 pounds so far!  I think that’s worth celebrating! Whoop whoop!

Alright, so real talk now for a minute: yesterday and today have been whipping my butt.  This week has just been hard – first of all, although the world is moving on, Sunday’s shooting is still weighing very heavy on my heart.  I’ve been really trying to just keep marching on, but I think its important to acknowledge that I’m still hurting over that, and I think I will be for quite some time.  Maybe forever.  I think a lot of people feel the same way, so I’m just saying – it’s still raw, it still hurts, and it’s still very much on my mind and my heart and underneath everything else that’s been going on, it probably has a lot to do with the way I’ve been responding to stuff this week.

Ok, so, I started a new job this week, which is GREAT! But, its also a source of stress.  I think most people already know this, but I’m working on my master’s degree in nursing in a full-time distance Family Nurse Practitioner program.  I’m in the middle of my third semester, and the workload is HEAVY.  It’s really hard, and takes up a lot of my time.  Anything below 80% is failing, so slacking on that in any way is not an option.  I’m definitely feeling some stress about how I’m going to manage school plus work plus Landon plus the rest of the family.  So, I have the new job – its a per diem IV nurse job that I actually am really looking forward to.  This week and through the weekend though, I have hours and hours of training modules that I have to get through.  I had a proctored mid-term on Thursday night, I have another proctored mid-term next Tuesday and a test in my pediatrics class on Wednesday.  On top of all that, Landon was sick on Thursday night, with a fever.  I was up with him for hours during the night Thursday, and woke up with his cold on Friday morning.

So…..Friday, I was sick, on very little sleep, dealing with a very cranky baby, trying to get these damn training modules done while still making time for studying, and I felt miserable due to this cold.  At 6:30pm, I laid down on our bed while Justin was filling up our bathtub for Landon’s bath, with full intentions of getting up and participating in his bedtime routine.  I fell sound asleep.  I woke up an hour later to Justin taking my socks off and tucking me in.  So, I was down for the night at 7:30 last night – hence, no blog.

Today was much the same, still sick, feeling totally overwhelmed by the work I need get done before the end of the day, and Landon is still not 100% so he’s been clingy, whiny and trying my patience in every way.  And you know what? I’m just going to say it – I want a freaking glass of wine (or four)!!  BUT – I am proud to say that, through it all, I have stayed the course with my nutrition plan.  I have not wavered and have completely stuck with it.  But my husband will tell you – I have not been very happy about it. (sorry, honey)  Even though its been hard, I really haven’t even seriously though about cheating – I guess its because my reasons for committing to it in the first place are just a lot bigger than my current circumstances.  So, I’m going to keep going and I’m going to reach my goal of 145 lbs, dammit!!  And if I’m not jumping with joy in the process every single day, SO BE IT! Nobody told me this would be easy, and I did not expect it to be.

I did learn something about myself through all this though.  If you had asked me a week ago if I considered myself an “emotional eater”, I would have said no.  When I hear the term “emotional eater” I picture someone sitting in the dark, crying while they stuff Twinkie after Twinkie into their mouth.  I’ve never been that person.  BUT, guess what? I realized today that I actually AM an emotional eater!  A big part of what had me struggling so much with everything that I have going on right now (and, to be honest, acting like a big baby at certain points), is that I didn’t have access to any of the usual comforts, rewards, treats and distractions that I would normally turn to in times like this – all of them being some form of food or drink.  Whenever I’m sick, I eat chicken pho – lots of it.  I’ve been craving that all day.  When I’ve had a super-stressful day, the promise of nachos and a glass of wine at our neighborhood bar at the end of it puts a smile on my face and gets me through.  I could go on and on with the examples but the point is, almost all of the things that I think of as a treat, a reward, or a source of comfort are food-related.  And not healthy food – fried, salty, cheesy, covered-in-sauce, heavy on the noodles and potatoes – type food.  So, now that I have realized that, I get to break that habit and re-shape my own expectations of what rewarding and comforting myself looks like.  I know that I can do it in a way that is both fulfilling, fun AND good for me.  I just have to shift my perspective a bit, and even though it won’t be easy,  I know I can do it!

strong photo

So – I didn’t take pictures of all of my food today and yesterday – everything I ate was combinations of stuff you all have already seen.  Just look back at past blogs if you want more detail about what my nutrition plan actually looks like.  But I did stick with the plan!!  Tomorrow, I will be preparing some new lean and green meals for the week, and we are going to do my measurements and body fat % again, just to see if there’s a change, so I’ll put all that in my blog tomorrow.

SO! If you are reading this, and you’re having your own struggles with whatever it is, just know you are not alone, and we can choose to be bigger than our circumstances.  Just keep swimming!!

keep swimming

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